October 14, 2005

Presidential Speech against Search Engine Optimization

by Brian Turner

Mr Speaker, people of the house, my fellow Americans, we are gathered here today to pay our full attention to that which threatens our liberties most: the terror that is Search Engine optimization.

(applause)

Oh, I know there are many corrupt people across the world who think nothing wrong of Search Engine optimization. I tell you now: we say it is wrong, it is wrong, and we will fight it.

(applause)

No one who practices Search Engine optimization will be safe from the watchful eye of Freedom. For when it comes to SEO, always shall we seek it, and defeat it. The Search Engine Optimisers of the world will admit the error of their ways, renounce them, or be conquered.

(Applause.)

For too long now the world has been gripped by the terrible vice of Search Engine optimization: a seedy underground run by shadowy figures, who are paid to manipulate search engine rankings. We say now, to the American people, that we will bring the light of justice into this underworld, and ensure the end of all Search Engine optimization procedures.

If you doubt for a moment, that we are wrong, or have misjudged the search engine industry as anything but the upstanding and non-profit organisations that they are, then we have embraced defeat already. To embrace victory, we must show the world that those who do battle against the generosity and compassion of search engines themselves, through the evils of Search Engine optimization, do battle against Freedom, and so make themselves an enemy of the American People, and the other free peoples of the world.

(Applause.)

The battle lines are clearly marked, the division one of good versus evil, the distinction made between those who will follow search engine rankings, and those who will try and influence them to their own selfish ends.

(Applause.)

To protect our people, we’re staying on the offensive against threats within our own country. We are using the Patriot Act to track optimization activity and to break up SEO companies. Intelligence and law enforcement officials are sharing information as never before. We’ve transformed the mission of the FBI to focus on preventing optimization. Every element of our homeland security plan is critical, because the Search Engine Optimisers are ruthless and resourceful – and we know they’re preparing to spam search engine rankings as never before.

(Applause.)

It’s not possible to guarantee perfect relevant spam-free SERPs in our vast, free nation. But I can assure our fellow Americans, many fine professionals in intelligence and national security and homeland security and law enforcement are working around the clock doing everything they can to protect the country against the evils of Search Engine optimization. And we’re grateful to them all.

(Applause.)

We have duties and there will be difficulties ahead. We’re working with responsible governments and international institutions to convince the leaders of SearchEngineWatch.com, and SEMPO, that their positive stance on Search Engine optimization is deeply contrary to their own interests. They’re counting on us to help them see the error of their ways. We will not abandon them.

(Applause.)

In this challenging period of our history, Americans fully understand the dangers from Search Engine optimization. We remain a nation at risk, directly threatened by an enemy that plots in secret to cause terrible relevancy and spammy SERPs. We remain a nation at war, fighting for our search engines, our freedom, and our way of life. We also see our advantages clearly. Americans have a history of rising to every test; Search Engine optimization is no exception.

The appeal of justice and liberty, in the end, is greater than the appeal of SEO in any form. Cheap link-building will be banned, doorwaypages and sneaky re-directs will result in lengthy penal sentences, and cloaking will become a capital offence. The war on Search Engine optimization will not end in a draw, it will end in a victory, and you and I will see that victory of human freedom.

(Applause.)

I want to thank you all for coming. Thank you for your dedication. May God bless you and your families, and may God continue to bless our great search engines. Thank you very much.

(Applause.)

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